The Argument Clinic
Monty Python

Receptionist: Yes, sir?

Man: I'd like to have an argument please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what would be the cost?

Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?

Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment -- Mr. Dubakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory -- Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12.

Man: Thank you.

[Knocks on the door.]

Mr Barnard: Come in.

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Mr Barnard: I've told you once.

Man: No you haven't.

Mr Barnard: Yes I have.

Man: When?

Mr Barnard: Just now!

Man: No you didn't.

Mr Barnard: Yes I did!

Man: Didn't.

Mr Barnard: Did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Barnard: I'm telling you I did!

Man: You did not!

Mr Barnard: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?

Man: Oh, just a five minute one.

Mr Barnard: Fine. Thank you. Anyway I did.

Man: You most certainly did not.

Mr Barnard: Now, let's get one thing quite clear -- I most definitely told you!

Man: You did not.

Mr Barnard: Yes I did.

Man: You did not.

Mr Barnard: Yes I did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Barnard: Yes I did.

Man: Didn't.

Mr Barnard: Yes I did!!

Man: Look this isn't an argument.

Mr Barnard: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.

Mr Barnard: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is.

Mr Barnard: It is not.

Man: It is. You just contradicted me.

Mr Barnard: No I didn't.

Man: Ooh, you did!

Mr Barnard: No, no, no, no, no.

Man: You did, just then.

Mr Barnard: No, nonsense!

Man: Oh, look this is futile.

Mr Barnard: No it isn't.

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr Barnard: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.

Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.

Mr Barnard: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.

Mr Barnard: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.

Mr Barnard: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".

Mr Barnard: Yes it is.

Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process -- contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

Mr Barnard: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is.

Mr Barnard: Not at all.

Man: Now look!

Mr Barnard: Thank you, good morning.

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: That's it. Good morning.

Man: But I was just getting interested.

Mr Barnard: Sorry the five minutes is up.

Man: That was never five minutes just now!

Mr Barnard: I'm afraid it was.

Man: No it wasn't.

Mr Barnard: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

Man: What!?

Mr Barnard: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Man: But that was never five minutes just now -- oh come on! This is ridiculous.

Mr Barnard: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: Oh. All right. [Pays.] There you are.

Mr Barnard: Thank you.

Man: Well?

Mr Barnard: Well what?

Man: That was never five minutes just now.

Mr Barnard: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Man: I've just paid.

Mr Barnard: No you didn't.

Man: I did! I did! I did!

Mr Barnard: No you didn't.

Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.

Mr Barnard: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.

Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing -- got you!

Mr Barnard: No you haven't.

Man: Yes I have -- if you're arguing I must have paid.

Mr Barnard: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Man: I've had enough of this.

Mr Barnard: No you haven't.

From "Monty Python's Previous Record"