One Drink Cured Her Of AA!
I have written to you previously under my other web.tv address and have appreciated your including my letters on your site.
I have chosen to have this other address for letters to do with my former involvement with AA.
When I entered the rooms of AA, I was 26 years old and there was absolutely nowhere else to go with my problem. I stuck aroud for over 20 years until I could no longer tolerate the endless, irrational thinking that takes place at the tables and which I found useless in my daily life.
After 22 years of not taking a drink, I left. I drank again because I wanted to. It was great for a while -- enjoyed every little sip I had. But after a couple of years of this, realized that my health was about to go and it was time I quit.
I went back to the tables, humbled, because I just assumed I couldn't stop on my own and was welcomed, but, alas, I was now just a new-comer; in fact, my status was less than that and I had no credibility at all except as an example of what happens when you stop "working the Program" or leave the groups.
To my everlasting credit, The Big Book, the Twelve and Twelve, the stories and the old-timers' programs I was now listening to left me in a state of amazement that all of these folks could be in such a state of self-denigration as to deny even after 30 years of "sobriety" that they could not tell right from wrong without the steps and doubted their own abilities to make moral judgments without the fellowship. I kid you not. Things sure fell in place after my sabbatical.
I wouldn't recommend going out and drinking to anyone, but for me it was a "god-send". Every meeting I then went to nailed one more spike in the coffin of AA talk for me and I left in a state of gratefulness that I no longer could accept such a denial of self-respect and self-empowerment..
Then I found the RR website and my tour with the Fellowship was complete.
The last meeting I went to was interesting. I had the audacity, after having blown 22 years of sobriety to state that I liked my character and was proud of who I was."
I said, "Isn't this program about moral improvement and learning to be happy?". There was a lot of scwirmming and coughs, but no answer. I guess I'm just a "poor unfortunate" who doesn't have the sense to see how "dry-drunk" I really am.
You know what? I read your site and the letters from AA members and see myself yearsago. All the inconsistencies and veiled contempt for those who just can't "get it".
There will always be those who need AA for whatever reasons. I am no longer one of them.
The brainwashing is complete when AA's know there are other avenues to abstinence but choose to still see themselves as being so weak and "disease" ridden as to need dependence on a group of self-admitted weak, morally impaired people to keep them dry, functional and moral for the rest of their lives .
I guess the thought of self-responsibility and liberty is just too much for some of them to handle. There are some who are free and don't even know it. Others, because they are afraid to think for themselves and those who are too sick physically and mentally to even care are the hope for AA in the future. For those who find power over others in the program, and of these there are many, I have only contempt. For those who are decent. loving and caring, they would probably be so anyway, with or without the program.
I am no longer an "alcoholic". I am not even a "cured alcoholic" bcause I never had a disease called "alcoholism". I don't drink -- period. I no longer doubt my motives. I no longer depend on others to make decisions for me. I am no longer separated from my fellow beings other than thru choice.
I manage my life quite well on my own. I no longer see the world through the realm of "diseased" thinking or through the 12-steps.
When I joined AA I left my autonomy at the door. Today I am so proud of quitting on my own it gives me a thrill whenever I think of it.
At my last meeting, I took the cotton out of my mouth and stuck it in my ears.
I realized I was too intelligent and not stupid enough for the program. I couldn't "let go" of my innate curiosity and self-determination. I could no longer do a "One Day at a Time" thing and be chained to the prison of "alcoholism" for the rest of my life. I could no longer be tolerant of the intolerable. I could no longer see anger as a character defect left to those more equipped to handle its dubious luxury and become an immobilized parrot of AA speak.
I now allow myself anger -- justifiably so -- and act on that anger. What a joy! I realize today that I am a moral person, a going concern in the whole spectrum of life and for that "I AM GRATEFUL!"
Keep up the good work!
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