The Wackiest Story in the Bible Is: 

The Biblical Tale of the Golden Hemorrhoids.
based upon a speech by Jerry Billings
(wording by Cliff Walker)
You can find this story in First Samuel, chapter 5.

It seems that the Philistines (those rotten buggers were always up to no good) had captured the ark of the covenant of God and they took it to their little mud-walled village of Ashod.

God was really burned up about this. He was fuming -- foaming at the mouth. The first thing he did was to destroy the statue of their god because he doesn't like to be reminded of having rivals. Next, he killed all the people in Ashod and then, for good measure, he smote them all with hemorrhoids! No one can explain how this could possibly be, but the Bible says that the men of Ashod saw that they were all dead and they each had a case of hemorrhoids from hell. They said, "Get that thing out of here!"

After a little conference, they decided to ship the ark off to another Philistine village named Gath. It wasn't long before -- Whammo! -- God did it again. He "was against the city with a great destruction and he smote the men of the city, both great and small and they had hemorrhoids ['emrods'] in their secret parts."

Imagine that: everyone was killed and then they were smitten with hemorrhoids to boot -- and yet (after all this), they still had enough sense to find a way to get rid of the ark.

Now, the people of Gath were a miserable and unhappy bunch. You can imagine how awful things were before good old Preparation H was invented. (And think of a case of Hemorrhoids that was personally inflicted upon you by Yahweh the Volcano God, himself the inventor of hemorrhoids!)

However, in their complete discomfort (and being dead, remember), they were still able to sneak the ark off into the neighboring Philistine burg of Ekron. These Ekronites had heard about this epidemic of death and destruction and hemorrhoids and they were in a complete panic. They called a summit and decided to pack up the ark and ship it down the road. Too bad, guys! It was too late for Ekron because "there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there, and the men that were not killed were smitten with hemorrhoids; and the cry of the city went up to heaven."

"What shall we do," they wailed. "That damned ark has been in our country for seven months and all we have to show for it are a whoppin' case of hemorrhoids and a steamin' heap of dead relatives. We need help!"

And here's the plan: They would make images of their hemorrhoidal polyps out of gold, and some golden sculptures of mice to sweeten the deal; put the ark on a wagon with the golden images inside it; hitch two oxen to the wagon and aim the whole shebang down the road which leads back to the Israelites' camp. And this they did.

And it came to pass that on the way, the wagon went through the farming town of Beth-Shamesh. These folks were overjoyed at the free beef that had come their way. Sadly, free is not a very good price. The Jews killed the oxen and broke up the wagon and used the wood to have themselves a barbeque right there on the spot.

You'd think Yahweh would be upset about killing animals and destroying property, but no. Here's what really cooked his goose: Two men opened the box with the golden hemorrhoids and the golden mice in it and looked inside and put the box on a nearby rock named Abel. (Yes, they named rocks in those days.)

The barbecue was one thing, but people of Beth-Shamesh should never have played peek-a-boo with the ark of God because when two men looked inside of it to see what it was, God punished them by killing 50,070 men of Beth-Shamesh -- do not pass Go and don't even think you'll get off with a meager case of cosmic hemorrhoids.

Now, if you're sitting there thinking, "Aw, this is justa buncha fooey," the Bible is very clear about giving us a way to verify that every word of this story is true. Do you know how you can prove that this tale is absolutely true? Well, remember that rock named Abel? The Bible says that if you go to where this happened, the rock is still there! This proves that the story is true (in case you thought it sounded a little farfetched)!

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